Things to remember to stay away from negativity

Negativity can be toxic. It is a feeling where everything seems negative or it is a negative outlook towards everything, even day feels like night. There can be a plethora of reasons for this persistent negativity. It can be attributed to a massive failure in your life to a small reason for discontent. Negativity can be due to anything depending on your state of mind. It hampers your peace in plenty of ways. Amassed negative thoughts can have varying effects right from momentary gloom to severe depression. It has the full capability to ruin your moment of happiness. If you are always negative, you won’t be able to rejoice your moment of celebration. It can hinder you to think sanely. To live in solace, one should avoid negativity.

” Just a single negative thought can kindle the fire which can burn your mind peace”

– Abhya pandey

There are few things which might help you ward off this negativity:

1) keep yourself busy: Keeping yourself engaged and doing something productive can work as a panacea in this case. Doing this will direct your mind towards the stuff you are doing from the negative thoughts. Rather, if you are busy doing something, work, or leisure activity, it’s less likely that negativity will grip you. I prefer indulging in things I love doing if I am feeling negative. I write my feelings out through a poem or I sing. This calms me down.

2) Cut off from negative people: It is highly probable that you are feeling negative because of a certain person. If not then the presence of a person who’s toxic to you can exacerbate those emotions further. It is not a permanent solution as it’s not possible to entirely expunge every negative person in your life, but it can help you cope with a sudden feeling of anxiousness. 

3) Don’t pay heed to everyone:  If you start paying heed to everyone’s opinion then you are most likely to disappoint yourself. This disappointment can lead to negativity. Only Your opinions should carry some weight in your life and of the ones who care for you. But it should always be you before anyone else. Close your ears to hate remarks by others. They are non- entity in your life.

4) Talk it out: Speak up! I always say that. Talking about that negativity in your mind to your dear ones can help you get rid of that weight off your chest. If not help from them, Just blabbering out your emotions will make you feel better.

5) Relax! then resolve the issue: If there is something which is pestering you, don’t take any decision regarding that issue with a muddled mind. Always calm yourself first then try to resolve the issue. If you take any decision with a disturbed mind, you are most likely to aggravate the problem. A peaceful mind leads to better decisions. 

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Mental health: Speak up! I spoke up…My story

Mental issues are very common nowadays, but what’s uncommon is to speak about it. Mental issues are something that still compels us to lower our voices. Everyone preaches to speak up, but they shut their ears when it’s their turn to listen. I am entirely aware of the reason that hinders you to be vocal about your mental health. The stigma attached to it and the judgment of our society impedes you to speak up candidly about your deprecating mental health. I always say it and I can reiterate it for another million times if I have to,” please SPEAK UP”. Your battle is half won if you open up about it. Keeping mum will do no good to you, ultimately you will succumb to your mental pain one day. 

Speaking up can heal you in many ways:

1) It will give you the strength to not give up

2) You will no more be alone, your dear ones will always be with you 

3) It provides you the strength to analyze your situation and take better decisions (I can tell you by my experience)

4) Trust me, you won’t feel like an outcast

5) No baggage, no stress

6) You will feel light

7) It won’t let you pile up unnecessary thoughts further

8) You will be a little more peaceful

9) One more step ahead in the direction of positivity

10) It will lessen your anxiety

Now, I would like to narrate you a very small part of my speaking up story. So it goes like this…

 Story: 

New city, new college, and new people. It exacerbated my anxiety issues. I had shifted to Mumbai away from my family for completing my MBA. For the very first time, I was away from my family, which added to my troubles. I was already suffering and this change worsened it. I chose to spoke up to comrades in college, I had to hear comments like:

  • She does drama
  • She is active on social media, how can she be sad
  • I have seen her laughing, she doesn’t seem sad
  • She is crying to seek attention
  • PEOPLE WHO SUFFER DON’T SPEAK ABOUT IT ( This epitomizes the prevalence of mental diseases as taboo in our society)
  • Mocked about my shivering while presentations

 But, the coin has the other side too, so does my story.  

There were these judgemental voices, then there were 4-5 people who understood me. They heard me. No one mattered apart from these caring people who were sensitive enough to understand me. They were with me like my buttress. Now I am in a better position, they still keep a check if I am okay.

“No voices matter apart from the ones listening to yours”

-Abhya

Things to remember:

After all the judgemental comments, I still chose to speak up. I didn’t give up until I was heard. You should do it too. You should fight for your life, it is precious. Anything which meddles with your mental peace doesn’t matter.

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Mental Health: Listen to them, they need to be heard

In our society mental health is still a taboo even after all the education we have. People fail to understand the significance of the word “illness” in “Mental illness”. It is an illness that is nothing to be ashamed of. It can happen to an eclectic range of people from the one earning in millions to a destitute, a family person to a loner, a teenager to an elderly-basically anyone. Mental illness is not someone’s choice, it can inflict someone due to any reason. Conversely, you can be instrumental in saving someone from the hands of mental illness just by being a bit more sensitive towards everyone. The thing which should be conversed about aloud is still talked about in whispers.

 Whenever we talk about any mental issue, the first suggestion we give to everyone is to ”SPEAK UP”. I am entirely supportive of this idea. In fact, I try to impart this idea of speaking up in others whenever I am discussing this issue. But the problem arises when people are too scared as they have a fear of being judged or not being heard. Are their fears true? Yes! They are cent percent true. The truth is when they speak up they are silenced by being judged or being mocked. They are made a topic of gossip to satiate your boredom. That adds up to their already traumatic condition. The thing is that when we wisely give them this suggestion to “SPEAK UP”, we miss out on giving a crucial suggestion to ourselves that is “TO LISTEN”.

 “When you ask them to speak up, learn to listen to them too”

-abhya

I would like to throw some light on the traits of a good listener or the way we should treat someone who is suffering from mental issues:

  • Don’t judge them
  • Be sensitive
  • Pay heed to their words
  • Don’t take it lightly
  • Be patient
  • Don’t compare them with others
  • Don’t make it a topic of gossip
  • Try to help them

We need to expunge that fear of being judged in them by bringing a change in ourselves. Provide them that judgement free atmosphere and comfort to speak up. You can unshackle them from the clutches of their fear which is hindering them to speak up. This small change can have an enormous impact on our world. Just them speaking up is not sufficient, our society needs to change too. An amalgam of a non-judgmental attitude, sensitivity, and love can work as an elixir. We can make it a better place for them by being a good listener. I would like to aver that please ” SPEAK UP” and please “LISTEN”. Doing this can save you or someone’s life. Don’t be afraid of speaking up. Moreover, you can make someone’s life just by listening to them.

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Depression: It’s real, we need to acknowledge it

Yes! It’s real. Depression is real. Yes! It exists. We need to acknowledge it like any other illness. The difference is that it is about your mind. If not dealt with properly, it can kill you in all the possible ways. Not only it can be fatal at its extreme but also it can make your life’s path a tortuous one. It can hide your true self behind the dark layer. It can steal away all the brightness that resides in you and replace it with immense darkness. It can lead you to torment. It kills you a little more every day. It can muddle up your peace. It is something that worsens with every tick of the clock. You won’t realize when that one dark layer has multiplied into a plethora of them burying you even deeper into that darkness. Understand before it’s too late.

I am not saying this to scare you, just to make you aware of the gravity of this situation. Often we ignore our mental issues considering it to be a minor one or we are not aware about our condition ourselves. Moreover, we tend to hide it as we want to dodge the judgemental stares of our society. Depression is a mental illness just like any other disease such as cold. It is normal, there is nothing to be ashamed of. It can happen to anyone. You need to understand that, you are not alone in this. If a particular set of people has hurt you in anyway, some people genuinely care about you. Choose to listen to the ones who care, others don’t even deserve a thought.

“See the ones who care, unsee the ones who don’t”  

What needs to be done? If you are the ones suffering from depression, open up to your closed ones. If a person doesn’t understand you, try another. Someone will understand you. Don’t give up.As soon as you realise that you are suffering, seek professional help. There are counsellors and psychiatrist who can help you. You will be out of its clutches soon, if you try. Also, if not you, if anyone else is going through this mental illness. I implore you to help them. Talk to them, save them.

In our society, mental illness or depression is treated in two extreme ways either it is not acknowledged at all or it is treated as a taboo. I plead you to not ignore it saying 

  • You are just sad, you will be fine.
  • You are just too sensitive
  • Don’t be dramatic
  • Don’t be a cry baby, it is such a small thing

Instead, listen to them patiently without judging them. Be with them as their buttress. You can heal them just by hearing them out. If you don’t understand depression then the least you can do is to be kind. Your kindness can prevent them from being pushed into depression. Your words carry a lot of weight, think before you speak. Your actions can have a great impact on someone, please be kind in your deeds. Kindness is easy, try it.

“Be kind”

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BODY SHAMING: I have my own shape

I have my own shape , I have my own body, I am in love with my shape, I refuse to alter it in accordance to your vision, It is beautiful the way it is, I refuse to change it according to your will, It is flawless the way it is, I refuse to inflate or deflate it according to your wish because it will always be in accordance to my wish. The flaws on my body make me unique and I refuse to be the part of that herd. I want to stand out with my unique, flawless shape. I love my shape. I have my own shape. – Abhya Pandey

Are you confused? Don’t worry, I won’t keep you baffled. Today I am going to discuss about “Body- shaming”. Though body- shaming is a bigger umbrella comprising of many factors, today I am going to talk about weight precisely. It is something which almost everyone has experienced at some point of their life or are presently going through it. There is going to be a part-2 of this topic where I will discuss about my story of body shaming in detail.

What is body shaming ?

Body shaming is demeaning someone on the basis of their physical appearance or body. When your body is a subject of scrutiny and hence, people end up passing degrading remarks about it, it is body shaming. Mocking someone brutally about their weight, passing out comments like: “too thin”, too fat”,” you look like a skeleton”, “you look like a hippo “, commenting about their dressing habits like: “she is brave to wear such kind of a dress with this body”, “she looks like a hanger in that dress”, passing subtle remarks about their eating habits like: “you should eat more”, “you should control your food intake” e.t.c everything falls under body shaming. It is not only restricted to a episode of conscious mockery of someone’s body but also to an innocuous ( NOT SO innocuous) banter. Willingly or unwillingly passing any sort of degrading comment about someone’s body or doing any gesture relating to that is also a part of this act. Yes! it is not only restricted to just verbal remarks but also your action. Making a grimace out of disgust, boycotting someone socially due to their body , always carrying that air of superiority over the other person who doesn’t have that so called perfect body in your eyes epitomises the non-verbal part of body-shaming. Succinctly speaking, throwing shade on someone consciously or unconsciously in any way through your actions due to their body is body-shaming.

What people do?

Unfortunately, there is a set standard in this milieu for how a person’s body should look and it looks like that every single person has etched it in their mind. It seems like they have a hard time letting go of this so- called norm. Apparently, everyone expects you to strictly abide by this standard otherwise, they are bound to treat you as an outcast. In our society having a petite frame in a girls case and an attractive athletic or muscular body in a guys case is a standard. It is a green signal for you to peacefully exist in this society without any bullying. Moreover, they want you to be THIN but not TOO THIN, they want you have those SENSUOUS CURVES but not be TOO THICK to fall in the category of being FAT. It’s hilarious that the standards keep on changing with time. At times having a zero figure is in vogue at some other time being curvy, athletic, muscular e.t.c is. But one thing has been constant, body shaming. People have never failed to ridicule a person who doesn’t fit in this set standard of so-called perfect body. Body shaming is something which is not restrained to just a particular age. Sadly, every age group whether a kid or teenager or and adult can be predator or victim of this body shaming. The truth is that small kids don’t want to keep an obese kid in their team while playing, people hesitate in dating an obese or an underweight person, teenagers bully their fellow obese or underweight classmates, even while marrying a groom or bride is expected to be of certain weight e.t.c. These things are just because of meaningless norm of a so called flawless body. People fail to see someone beyond their body, people fail to see someone actually, they just see their body.

How we respond to it?

On the other hand, talking about victims. They have a hard time dealing with this. Some of them are strong enough to deal with this bravely while some of them find it difficult to release themselves from this societal burden. Many people get trapped in the clutches of body shaming and end up further damaging themselves. There are a plethora of consequences of body-shaming. Few of them are:

  1. People start self-loathing. They don’t want to look in the mirror.
  2. They suffer from anxiety or depression. Sometimes it can be life long.
  3. They abstain from dressing up, clicking pictures, going to gatherings, making friends.
  4. They have that constant inferiority complex with them like a shadow.
  5. They force themselves(not for their health but because of this constant mockery) to loose or gain certain weight.
  6. They force themselves to follow unhealthy diets or sometimes end up suffering from ” Eating disorder”.

What people should do?

This is a vicious cycle. Once a victim can be a predator other day. A person who has suffered himself /herself from this will not fail to expect others to abide by this rule. We should understand every body type is unique and unburden ourselves and others from this pressure of fitting into that frame. If we spread this message of body positively and normalise every body type, there will be lesser amount of instances of body shaming. If people start to understand that every body type is beautiful then why will they judge others. The truth is predators also have this burden to have that “attractive body” before they bully others. So, if we promote body positivity then the burden will fall off from both the predators and victims side. Also, we never know how badly a person is affected by our gestures. We might end up ruining someone’s life by this meaningless fat shaming. We should spread positivity instead of any hate. Please, understand that a person is not limited only to their body. Start looking beyond it. It is more meaningful.

What the victims should actually do?

Firstly, we should understand the motive of the person throwing shade at us. It is never good. If your well wishers are speaking about your weight they won’t demean you it will be because of your health. leave everyone, it’s your own body so, the decision should be yours. You should learn to love your body, it’s unique. Don’t follow this flock mentality it’s worthless. Abstain from paying heed to any person demeaning your body. Change if you want to change, dress up the way you like, eat what you want to it, It is your body. Don’t change because of this societal pressure if you want to change do it only if you really want to or for your well-being. Don’t allow anyone to hamper your mental peace. Don’t retain their meaningless words. You are beyond your body. Life is more than being flawless, it is about embracing your flaws. Love yourself, love your shape.

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Things to do to make this quarantine period better

Hey gleamikins💫,                                                                                                                                    Often in our lives, We have situations where we need someone to speak to and help us. Even their presence is sufficient at times.  But, there are conditions, when we have no one around to provide us with that strength. However, everyone has their own style of dealing with such issues and tackle these times of solitude. For me personally, reading is a medicine. Whenever I have a certain problem with which I have to deal all by myself, I tend to read articles, blogs, where experiences of other people are shared. Trust me, it helps me to a great extent in taking a decision or forming an opinion in such situations of crisis.I believe that life is a beautiful amalgamation of both bright days and dark nights. Each one of them adds to the thrills of our lives. So, instead of lamenting the darkness of nights, one should savour it and look at the charm of the enticing moon, which himself glows and becomes the guiding light for others in the darkness. So, BE A MOON, GLOW AND SPRINKLE YOUR LIGHT ON OTHERS.So, this section of my blog, “3 THINGS TO DO”, is made to be the moon for the ones who are lost. I hope that I could be of some help to the ones who are in need in some way through this.

Things to do to make this quarantine better:

Life comprises of ebb and flow but it shall go on. Whenever there is a wave of darkness, we need to surf through it rather than letting it drown us. As we all are aware of this corona situation, it has taken a toll on everyone’s well being. We all are quarantined during these times to further prevent it from spreading. And it is on the verge to expunge all the sanity we have. So, to keep our sanity sound, there are few things that we can do to make this quarantine period better. They are:

1)Take care of your Mental Health:

Normally the most neglected part, but the most important one. The gravity of this situation has shook everyone mentally. To add to this, we all are sitting at home idly absorbing all the negativity. To avoid this all the negative dose firstly, you need to refrain from all the sources of negativity like: negative news(general knowledge about the situation is fine but focusing on every random news is detrimental to your peace, pessimistic people( if possible try ameliorating there state of mind). Stop overthinking, it will bring that thunderstorm of thoughts in your mind. Try to keep yourself busy and be productive, don’t just idly. Also, you can also try meditation it can prove to be an elixir in the situation of mental distress. In fact, in general you should include it in your normal schedule. It will definitely bring back that peace, help you get rid of all the negative thoughts and declutter your mind.

2) Keep yourself engaged:

As discussed above, the most affected thing during this period is our mental peace. Firstly, it is due to this debacle. Secondly, corroborating to this is our life being completely paused. We are sitting at home and embraced by total boredom. Passing seconds has become a task for us. One answer to this is keep your self busy with something or other. There are people who have their work from home schedule and students are busy with their online classes but most of the people are sitting at home idle. Also with the people in the former category it’s not the same as usual. So, to kill this boredom we can do productive things like pursuing our hobbies like: cooking, singing e.t.c. Learning never goes in vain, we have a plethora of online classes going on, we can learn a new skill.Doing this will not only make this quarantine period better but also add to your persona. It will help you utilise this time rather than killing it. Lastly, keeping yourself entertained by reading a good book and watching shows and movies is always an option.

3) Exercise:

It will not only keep you healthy physically but also mentally, which is very important during these times. Exercising releases happy hormones and it is the biggest stress buster. Exercising regularly is advised normally. Many people nowadays are aware and they do it on a regular basis. But, during this lockdown gyms are shut. But you shouldn’t leave exercising, you can always workout at home. Don’t leave it. You can also innovate fun ways of exercising at home.

4) Socialise(virtually) during social distancing:

Yes, socialise during social distancing. Due to our fast paced life, we ought to unknowingly leave behind our real relations. We might be just meeting once a week just for partying and not having that real talk. Most of us are separated from our close ones due to our work or studies. In my opinion it has become very shallow. So, make full use of this opportunity to socialise. Use this time to call, video call regularly your relatives, friends e.t.c. In this way you can make use of your time as well bolster your bond with closed ones. Talk to them and exchange positive thoughts.

5)Relax, have faith:

Most importantly, just relax. Don’t stress yourself. It will all be over soon. I am not asking you to stress yourself with all the productivity. It is a great time to just a take deep breathe and rest. It is a great time to take a break from your usual daily stress. Treat it as a time that you have got to relax. So, apart from being productive, you need to relax too. It’s a time that you can use to spend with yourself. Have faith, it will be over soon.

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Do you dress to impress?

Do you look for validation from others for every little thing in your life? Do you seek for compliments from others to believe in yourself? and let me guess! Do you dress to impress? Puzzled? It means that till now you have seen yourself through others eyes. The bad news is that you don’t know who you are. Having a support system is not bad neither having someone to bolster you is bad. In fact it’s great and you are blessed if you have someone who will act as a buttress in your growth. Always keep such people near who give you your dose of positivity. But, here the question is about being in complete oblivion of yourself and having that constant need of relying on someone or other to know about yourself. It’s ironic but it’s the truth. I know a even a teeny tiny dose of positive words or compliments work as an elixir if you are low. But, why to be low? why can’t you be that confident about yourself that you never ever dare to be dubious about yourself.

The good news is that you can always mend your ways. The moment you decide you want to change for good, you will work wonders. Just give a pause to your life. Go in front of a mirror and stare yourself properly with your whole heart. It sounds silly but that is what you need to do. Now, choose a quite corner of your house and seclude yourself from all the worldly thoughts. Introspect about your strengths, weaknesses, your wins, failures and everything little thing about yourself. Have a date with your soul, for a change. The thing is that if you are unaware of your own capabilities then how will you make use of them in your favour. If you don’t know about your weaknesses then how will you fix it. This oblivion can lead to damnation and stagnate your growth. If this the case then you will always need someone in your life to validate your qualities, to validate your existence. If you are aware of yourself then you don’t need anyone else to make you feel good. Compliments are good, they give you that positive feeling about yourself but keep it aside. Learn to keep it behind, don’t carry them with yourself. Otherwise, you will be lost in them. Just realise it whenever you are right or wrong. Have that confidence in your self. If you are not positive about your own qualities how will you succeed. If you are confident enough and well aware about yourself, no one can push you down.

Now I want to narrate two stories from my life to further elucidate my point. There was a time in my life when my growth was totally stagnated. My mind was totally clogged with the thoughts which were very detrimental. It was on a total stand-still and I had lost faith in myself. The story goes like this:

Story no.1: It always used to happen that whenever I used to get ready, I used to ask my mom if I was looking fine. Only when she used to okay my look then only I used to continue with it. One day I got ready for a party and went ahead to ask my mom about my look. She was busy on a phone call but I kept pestering her and was in no intention to leave till the time she gave remarks on my look. After a while, she said I was no looking good. I finally rushed to my room and started looking for other options even though I was getting late for the party. After few minutes my mom came in and said ” Are you serious? Don’t you have a mirror? Can’t you yourself see how good or bad you are looking? If you yourself don’t know about how good you are, how will other people believe in your goodness? She said you should see the mirror and if the thing that you see is pleasing to you, you should go for that. Never mend yourself in accordance with anyone else’s sight. Do it for yourself. It was a very simple thing but taught me a great lesson.

Story no.2: Whenever I used to be low, I use to talk to one of my close friends. One day I was extremely low. So, I Called her and started complaining about how I Don’t feel good about myself. Then she started pointing out at my talents and I gave a very weird reaction to her words. I asked in surprise that if she truly meant it. She asked me how is it possible that I am so oblivious about my persona. She said that you are your best judge. From that day her words are etched in my mind.

Here, I did few changes in my attitude and my life completely changed for good. At last, just remember to give time to yourself, introspect, have faith in yourself and never rely on someone else’s validation, have confidence in your capabilities.

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Happy women’s day or Human’s day!

HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY!

Really? Just a DAY! Why not the entire 365 days of a year in the name of celebrating womanhood? The one thing that pinches me the most is, why should we even need a separate day to honor women when every day can be a women’s day. It is all about the perspective. A single day celebration feels more like a pity acknowledgment that “women” also exist. Why should it be the case when we are an equally integral part of this amalgam, without us the men are like land without water. If men are the day then we are the night, if we are the day then men are the night. We are totally equal and equally essential.

It irks to see that there should be any need at first place to designate a day for women for so-called upliftment of them. In many parts of our society, being a woman is considered to be inferior. There are atrocities cast upon them by their male counterparts, their own family members I.e father, brother e.t.c, even the women of their family. It’s sad but true, even a woman doesn’t lag behind in demeaning the other woman. There is a lengthy list of deeds of barbarity against women like rape, dowry harassment, mental and physical harassment, molestation, female foeticide, just to name a few. These are the ones out of a plethora of crimes, which are considered as a crime. There is yet a myriad of them that are not even acknowledged as cruelty. But why is it happening? Is it only about the men of society? A big fat NO!!!!!! It’s not about anyone else. It’s about us, WOMEN. No, one has any right to belittle our presence or consider us inferior. But for that, we should cherish our being. We should understand that it is a matter of prestige to be born as a woman. We are our own buttress. If we don’t allow anyone to penetrate the walls of our strength then no one will. So, Instead of teaching anyone else to respect us, we should respect our own presence. Once you ace the art of loving yourself, every day will be like a festival to you.

Ideally, there should be a men’s day too if women’s day. As we both are two different sides of the same coin. It should not be about any of them rather, it should be about celebrating humanity. It should be a celebration of respecting every sort of breathing beings, a fiesta of love, care, helping and empathy. A festival of every virtue that makes us a “human being”.

So! Let’s make it a “human’sday” rather than “women’s day”.

HAPPY HUMAN’s DAY! ❤️

Abhya Pandey

(Gleaming ink)

#happywomensday #happyhumansday #womensday #humansday#women #men #human #love

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Stars for your soul.26

“Breathe before you die. Learn to live”

-Abhya Pandey


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Stars for your soul.25

“Saying yes, to someone with half mind for something just to keep them happy is worse than saying no to them for the same thing. It’s okay to say no, if you don’t believe in something.”

– Abhya Pandey

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