How does a depressed person look like?

How is the face of a depressed person is? What sort of behavior a person who is going through depression portray? Who led them to be this way? What were there conditions that catalyzed them into being depressed? I know what most of you will answer. A major chunk of us has a set perception regarding the behavior and condition of a person who is depressed. We envisage them as someone with a constant frown, someone who has abandoned the worldly life. Well, the majority of us imagine a depressed person to be lamenting round the clock. We picture them to be the ones living in seclusion, cut off from the entire world. It’s our visualization that tells us that there must be something extremely negative in this person’s life or someone else must have wronged them which made them slip into depression. To be honest, your imaginations lied to you. Whatever you have thought is partially true.

“Depression has no face, a person with a mellifluous smile can be suffering from within”

-abhya pandey

 Being more precise, this commonly thought perception doesn’t apply to every depressed person. Depression is far more intricate than you can imagine. We often confuse “Depression” with “Sadness”. It is not merely sadness. It is a mental disease and it needs to be treated by a professional. Additionally, to help someone around, as I always say we can be kind, understanding, non-judgmental, and most importantly listen to them. Let me elucidate it to you the actual condition by underlining a few things about depression:

  • Depression is a disease which needs a proper treatment
  • It can inflict anyone around the universe
  • The one who is successful, rich, a person with an amazing family and friends has can be equally depressed as the one who is lonely and is not doing great in life
  • Nutritional and hormonal factors also contribute to depression
  • Not every depressed person sobs, a person with the perkiest persona might be depressed
  • A person who seems to have a perfect life and looks jovial can be depressed
  • A depressed person has no set characteristics, they might laugh, cry, smile, have friends, and perfect family, socialize, party, or be lonely

One of the most common comments that I heard whenever I tried to speak about any sort of mental issue in past is you are smiling, you don’t seem depressed. Which explains that we still have lots to understand about depression or any sort of mental issue. So, please understand that depression is a serious disease and you can help someone by merely being kind. Don’t judge them, let them speak. Also from now on if someone confides in you saying that they feel depressed, don’t assume that they are just sad or they have a perfect life so they can’t be depressed. Be kind, don’t judge them!

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Emotional Independence: You complete yourself

Are you someone who always craves for a company? Do you constantly feel the need to have some other person around to make you happy? A close kinship with someone is a must for you? You are someone who feels lonely in your company. Do you? Does your merriment depend on someone else? Do you always feel lonely? Is there a void in you? If yes, then you are headed in the wrong direction. The bad news is that you are entirely dependent on someone else but the good news is it’s never too late. Just learn to be “emotionally independent”. Let’s talk about emotional independence.

What is emotional independence? It is feeling whole in yourself. When your joy, sorrow, anger, and any other emotion for that matter depends only on you. I know my words have baffled you and you must be intrigued that how is this possible. I am not talking about the “additional” happiness that you derive from your friends, family, or socializing. When you completely surrender every emotion of yours to the second person, that is where your fault lies. A void has made an abode in you. It needs to be understood that your happiness should be yours, it shouldn’t change because of someone. Only you are a constant in your life, rest everyone and everything is ephemeral. No doubt family and companions help, but you shouldn’t mold your emotions according to them. You should be your priority.

“Tame yourself to be merry with yourself, rest everything will fall lambently in place.”

-Abhya pandey

Story:

I have always been a home person, the one who is an introvert.I always used to feel lonely and was emotional. Slightest of their actions that were unpleasant or might be pleasant to me of the other person whether it be my family or pals used to rush my pulse. I would would go maudlin, be overwhelmed, extremely irked, or furious within the fraction of seconds because of them. I was in constant need to talk to someone. If I reminisce of that time, I could go to any lengths even if it was wrong just to make that person stay even if that person acted as venom to me.

Why was I like that? The simple answer is I never gave priority to myself. It was because my happiness relied on someone else. I used to laud my close ones for their achievements but failed to pat my back when needed. Learn to clap for yourself, you are sufficient. I learned to not make anyone else my priority. My experiences taught me to detach the dependence of my emotions from someone else.

“No one should have the power to be a compass to your emotions”

-abhya pandey

Emotional independence is a strength that will prevent you from breaking into shards. Few things to etch in your mind:

  • You complete yourself, no one else is needed
  • Saviour! that you can be for yourself
  • First, learn to applaud yourself, every other admiration is secondary
  • Your hands are enough to catch you from tumbling
  • That smile should come from within not because of someone else. It is a bonus if someone else does that for you
  • You are never alone, you have you

So, be emotionally independent, stop depending on someone else. It won’t do you any good. That happiness which is derived from others is fleeting. Permanent is the one that you experience due to yourself.

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Dating: Are you just after a trend or actually ready?

You must have read the topic, if the question above has somehow compelled your mind to think, then you are on the right page. This particular talk is for people in general who feel that there is a kind of vacuum in their life as they are not in a relationship or dating someone.I have observed a myriad of people around me and one thing that I have noticed is that there are plenty of them who feel incomplete without a partner and another chunk of people just want to date because they see other people dating and they feel that they are not advance enough.

Though there are a lot of other reasons too why people crave for a romantic partner. Some beings date for the right reasons and are actually ready for it. Which is a good thing to do as it is definitely one of the integral aspects of our lives. But today I am going to focus on two of the most unreasonable, reasons due to which lures us to come into a dating relationship.

Which are,

  • Firstly, we are so much after following this trend of dating. Given the competitive nature of this modern era, We don’t wanna lag behind others in this field too. You know, we feel if we are single, we are old fashioned or not trendy enough. We want to be in vogue. But is it the right approach? An elephantine no, one should date only if they are ready to. It has become easier to be in touch with people these days due to social media, dating apps, and the liberal nature of our society. This is a great thing, but we should leverage it by using these things wisely. Dating is not a trend to follow, you date someone for yourself. Never Date if you just want to do it for the sake of doing as it is a serious part of your life.

Story 1:

I remember once I was speaking to an acquaintance of mine and she was whining about being single. I asked her a simple question, why do you wanna date? After a few minutes of stuttering, she said, all my friends are committed and I feel so uncool and like an outcast. 

It is not only about her as she epitomizes the kind of thinking the majority of us have when it comes to dating.

  • Secondly, we want to fill some kind of vacuum in our life by being in a relationship. We might be successful in doing so. But is it the right approach, no, it’s toxic in the long term. We have to be emotionally independent because it is healthy for ourselves and also our potential partner. We shouldn’t be dependent on others to feel complete emotionally. We can contribute to a relationship healthily only if we feel content in ourselves.

” We are fully equipped in ourselves, we just choose to live in oblivion”

-ABHYA PANDEY

Story 2:

If I rewind a few months, I was lamenting in front of my mom about being single. After a few hours of deep conversation with her I realized, I was just feeling low and am not ready for it. After that, I started focusing on my self. Trust me I love spending time with myself and I feel whole in myself. I have landed to a realization that we all are self- sufficient, it’s just that we don’t explore our capabilities. If we choose to live in oblivion, a vacuum will definitely reside in us.

So date only if you are ready for it in every way. It shouldn’t be to compensate for other things in life. It should out of genuine fondness for the other person, mutual love, and care.

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Mismatch: Embrace your flaws, your true self

Why do we hesitate to wear a pair of heels with Pajamas? Have you ever fearlessly worn sneakers with your traditional attire? Do you still hesitate to go out in public without layers of makeup due to your insecurities? Are you scared to show off your cute tummy rolls? Can you walk boldly with a mismatch attire? Do you have a fear of unraveling the unfiltered version of yourself? Yes! most of the people have that inhibition to open the curtains to their true self because they want to fit into the societal standards. They tailor everything about themselves to garner the shallow praises of the world. Kudos! to them for successfully winning people’s fake applauds.

“It’s okay to wear a mismatch attire, but it’s not okay if your true self doesn’t match with what you portray yourself in front of the world”

– Abhya Pandey

My question is, why do we hesitate to show our raw faces to the world? The simple answer is our ceaseless desire to be desired. But, by hiding our true self, we lose ourselves. What actually matters is if we are happy by being the way we are. Nothing else matters, the world will have something to say irrespective of the situation. Be the way you want to be rather than following the rules made by someone. Pave your own way. Never be scared to show off your flaws to the world, make it your strength. Love your self, proudly flaunt your true self in front of everyone.

Remember few things forever:

  • Be comfortable in your own body, don’t follow a certain diet to lose a few pounds because you want people to appreciate you. Lose weight only if you feel so. Do it for yourself
  • No need to hide the scars and blemishes on your face by makeup. We all are human beings, it is natural
  • Don’t compare yourself with others, your personality is beautiful in its own ways
  • Craving for a certain body type? Why? Your body is beautiful the way it is
  • Never be insecure, you are the magician of your life. Turn your flaws into your strengths
  • Do deeds so that you can praise yourself from all your heart
  • Unleash yourself, fly without listening to the others
  • Love yourself

Don’t lose yourself, you are precious. Life is short, make every tick of the clock count by listening to your heart. Wear slippers with that beautiful evening dress if you love to. It is all about you.

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Friends: Who is your actual kin?

There are millions of people on this planet. You come across a lot of people during your precious lifetime and build countless memories with them. But not everyone deserves to be in your thoughts. Merely making memories is not important. What matters is the quality of memories you have with that person, good or bad. The kind of effect that a person has in your life is important. Some of them can be just a stranger, an acquaintance, friend, or a best friend. Let’s talk about friends, have you ever wondered who is your real mate? Who deserves to be near you? If not, then you should start thinking. The kind of people who are close to you form a very crucial part of your life. They have a significant impact on your life in all possible ways.

” You should treasure the person, who is the same with you in your peaks as well in your lows”

– Abhya pandey

If good, then they can save you from all your foes, hold you when you are about to fall, be an ear to listen to you and, the list becomes ceaseless. But, if not, then they become the foes themselves. They can prove to be toxic too. Yes! your choice of friends matters to this extent. Your life is small and extremely precious. The kind of people you let in your life can alter many things. So, I will describe the traits of two common sort of people who are actually close to you to help take you a better decision :

Person 1:

  • Is with you in every moment of merriment
  • Accompanies you at every party and celebration
  • Praises you for your success and is a part of it
  • Though they avoid you in your lows
  • Their words will be superficial
  • They will try to win you with their sweet shallow words
  • Not a part of your struggle
  • Not a good listener to your sorrow
  • Not there for you selflessly
  • They are with you for your success
  • They are actually sycophants
  • In the end, they turn out to be toxic for you

Person 2:

  • They are a part of your struggle
  • With you in your thick and thins
  • Apart from the celebrations, they hold your hand during your fall too
  • They never leave your side
  • They listen to your lamentings even a plethora of times if they have to
  • They have no hidden motives to be with you
  • They will give you the taste of reality rather than being shallow
  • They will love you with your flaws
  • They might fail to laud you for your success, but will never fail to catch you when you fall
  • They are selfless

I will choose person 2. You should also make the right choice. It is in your hands. I know sometimes we might be deceived but we can be careful. Let in people who truly value you.

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Depression: Are you actually there for them?

What do you do when you see someone suffering from depression? What’s your reaction when you see someone sad and lonely? Your instinctive words are “I am there for you”. You console them saying that they are not alone in this and that they have your back. But my point is do you really mean it? And what do you mean when you say you will be by their side? Have you actually tried to dive into the fathoms of their mind and understand their situation? No! In most of the cases, it is all superficial. You get touched by their condition momentarily and you don’t bother to decipher what’s actually behind that depressed soul.

“When you say you are there for them, mean it”

-abhya pandey

The truth is they need you beyond your words. They need to be understood. This depression is far more than sadness. It’s complex and needs to be dealt with intricacy. The ones suffering don’t need your shallow sweet words or a social media post citing how much you support this cause. So, when you see someone inflicted with depression, be with them. Firstly, be a good listener, listen to them over and over again because they need to be heard. It will help in emptying the baggage formed by their suppressed emotions. Don’t judge them, instead understand their condition. Talk positively to them and motivate them. To heal them entirely, you need to be present with your heart and soul with them.

If you actually want to help them, etch these things in your mind:

  • The people who are suffering need someone who can listen to their silence. Be their kin
  • Even if they look fine, they might not be okay. Check up on them
  • They might reiterate their same problem million times, listen to them patiently every single time
  • Motivate them to live life to the fullest
  • Make them realize their self-worth
  • Most importantly don’t judge them because you can never see the world through their eyes
  • Try to mend even the smallest thing in their life because little things matter
  • They have lost faith in everyone. Make them realize the goodness of people around by being good to them
  • Fill their life with positivity
  • It will take some time for them to be healed. Be patient with them
  • Never give up on them

Be with them all along. You are not a doctor but you are a human, you can save someone’s life.

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Imprisoned: Learn to live your life

What according to you epitomizes a satisfying life? Having a fulfilling job, a loving partner, and great friends? Are you actually living your life or you are stuck in the tangles of the worldly things? I believe that most of the people are busy ticking off the things out of their society’s list- the list of the things the society expects them to do. I can witness that they are busy living other people’s dreams instead of sprinkling some life on their dreams. We tighten the noose on our dreams and our life to fit in the category of successful people created by people around us. By doing this, are you actually successful in living your life? I don’t think so. Your life is a success only if you follow your dreams rather than following the herd mentality. Though you are a free bird your life is as good as the one who is incarcerated. You have imprisoned yourself among the ceaseless expectations of your society. This is not living, this is not breathing.

“Don’t impress others, impress yourself”

– abhya pandey

Just once try to unshackle yourself. Just live like a bird. Fulfill what you expect from yourself. Wander if you want to, work if you love to. Chase your dreams rather than working for the sake of doing it. Do what you love to do. Some things to keep in mind:

  • Follow yourself rather than someone else
  • Take up a job only if you love it not because someone wants you to
  • Marry only if you love someone not because you have to
  • Dance, sing, travel, enjoy! because you deserve it
  • Give time to yourself before others
  • Chase happiness rather than numbers
  • If you are happy then only you can make others happy
  • It’s never too late to do anything, you can always restart
  • Cherish the little things
  • It’s okay to be not perfect, no one is

Life is when it is embellished with the moments that truly make you happy. So, follow your dreams, follow your heart. You can make your life beautiful by tailoring it according to your heart. You deserve to be happy.Happiness is following your heart. Before learning other things, learn to live your life. Doing this will lead you to bliss.

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Things to remember to stay away from negativity

Negativity can be toxic. It is a feeling where everything seems negative or it is a negative outlook towards everything, even day feels like night. There can be a plethora of reasons for this persistent negativity. It can be attributed to a massive failure in your life to a small reason for discontent. Negativity can be due to anything depending on your state of mind. It hampers your peace in plenty of ways. Amassed negative thoughts can have varying effects right from momentary gloom to severe depression. It has the full capability to ruin your moment of happiness. If you are always negative, you won’t be able to rejoice your moment of celebration. It can hinder you to think sanely. To live in solace, one should avoid negativity.

” Just a single negative thought can kindle the fire which can burn your mind peace”

– Abhya pandey

There are few things which might help you ward off this negativity:

1) keep yourself busy: Keeping yourself engaged and doing something productive can work as a panacea in this case. Doing this will direct your mind towards the stuff you are doing from the negative thoughts. Rather, if you are busy doing something, work, or leisure activity, it’s less likely that negativity will grip you. I prefer indulging in things I love doing if I am feeling negative. I write my feelings out through a poem or I sing. This calms me down.

2) Cut off from negative people: It is highly probable that you are feeling negative because of a certain person. If not then the presence of a person who’s toxic to you can exacerbate those emotions further. It is not a permanent solution as it’s not possible to entirely expunge every negative person in your life, but it can help you cope with a sudden feeling of anxiousness. 

3) Don’t pay heed to everyone:  If you start paying heed to everyone’s opinion then you are most likely to disappoint yourself. This disappointment can lead to negativity. Only Your opinions should carry some weight in your life and of the ones who care for you. But it should always be you before anyone else. Close your ears to hate remarks by others. They are non- entity in your life.

4) Talk it out: Speak up! I always say that. Talking about that negativity in your mind to your dear ones can help you get rid of that weight off your chest. If not help from them, Just blabbering out your emotions will make you feel better.

5) Relax! then resolve the issue: If there is something which is pestering you, don’t take any decision regarding that issue with a muddled mind. Always calm yourself first then try to resolve the issue. If you take any decision with a disturbed mind, you are most likely to aggravate the problem. A peaceful mind leads to better decisions. 

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Mental health: Speak up! I spoke up…My story

Mental issues are very common nowadays, but what’s uncommon is to speak about it. Mental issues are something that still compels us to lower our voices. Everyone preaches to speak up, but they shut their ears when it’s their turn to listen. I am entirely aware of the reason that hinders you to be vocal about your mental health. The stigma attached to it and the judgment of our society impedes you to speak up candidly about your deprecating mental health. I always say it and I can reiterate it for another million times if I have to,” please SPEAK UP”. Your battle is half won if you open up about it. Keeping mum will do no good to you, ultimately you will succumb to your mental pain one day. 

Speaking up can heal you in many ways:

1) It will give you the strength to not give up

2) You will no more be alone, your dear ones will always be with you 

3) It provides you the strength to analyze your situation and take better decisions (I can tell you by my experience)

4) Trust me, you won’t feel like an outcast

5) No baggage, no stress

6) You will feel light

7) It won’t let you pile up unnecessary thoughts further

8) You will be a little more peaceful

9) One more step ahead in the direction of positivity

10) It will lessen your anxiety

Now, I would like to narrate you a very small part of my speaking up story. So it goes like this…

 Story: 

New city, new college, and new people. It exacerbated my anxiety issues. I had shifted to Mumbai away from my family for completing my MBA. For the very first time, I was away from my family, which added to my troubles. I was already suffering and this change worsened it. I chose to spoke up to comrades in college, I had to hear comments like:

  • She does drama
  • She is active on social media, how can she be sad
  • I have seen her laughing, she doesn’t seem sad
  • She is crying to seek attention
  • PEOPLE WHO SUFFER DON’T SPEAK ABOUT IT ( This epitomizes the prevalence of mental diseases as taboo in our society)
  • Mocked about my shivering while presentations

 But, the coin has the other side too, so does my story.  

There were these judgemental voices, then there were 4-5 people who understood me. They heard me. No one mattered apart from these caring people who were sensitive enough to understand me. They were with me like my buttress. Now I am in a better position, they still keep a check if I am okay.

“No voices matter apart from the ones listening to yours”

-Abhya

Things to remember:

After all the judgemental comments, I still chose to speak up. I didn’t give up until I was heard. You should do it too. You should fight for your life, it is precious. Anything which meddles with your mental peace doesn’t matter.

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Mental Health: Listen to them, they need to be heard

In our society mental health is still a taboo even after all the education we have. People fail to understand the significance of the word “illness” in “Mental illness”. It is an illness that is nothing to be ashamed of. It can happen to an eclectic range of people from the one earning in millions to a destitute, a family person to a loner, a teenager to an elderly-basically anyone. Mental illness is not someone’s choice, it can inflict someone due to any reason. Conversely, you can be instrumental in saving someone from the hands of mental illness just by being a bit more sensitive towards everyone. The thing which should be conversed about aloud is still talked about in whispers.

 Whenever we talk about any mental issue, the first suggestion we give to everyone is to ”SPEAK UP”. I am entirely supportive of this idea. In fact, I try to impart this idea of speaking up in others whenever I am discussing this issue. But the problem arises when people are too scared as they have a fear of being judged or not being heard. Are their fears true? Yes! They are cent percent true. The truth is when they speak up they are silenced by being judged or being mocked. They are made a topic of gossip to satiate your boredom. That adds up to their already traumatic condition. The thing is that when we wisely give them this suggestion to “SPEAK UP”, we miss out on giving a crucial suggestion to ourselves that is “TO LISTEN”.

 “When you ask them to speak up, learn to listen to them too”

-abhya

I would like to throw some light on the traits of a good listener or the way we should treat someone who is suffering from mental issues:

  • Don’t judge them
  • Be sensitive
  • Pay heed to their words
  • Don’t take it lightly
  • Be patient
  • Don’t compare them with others
  • Don’t make it a topic of gossip
  • Try to help them

We need to expunge that fear of being judged in them by bringing a change in ourselves. Provide them that judgement free atmosphere and comfort to speak up. You can unshackle them from the clutches of their fear which is hindering them to speak up. This small change can have an enormous impact on our world. Just them speaking up is not sufficient, our society needs to change too. An amalgam of a non-judgmental attitude, sensitivity, and love can work as an elixir. We can make it a better place for them by being a good listener. I would like to aver that please ” SPEAK UP” and please “LISTEN”. Doing this can save you or someone’s life. Don’t be afraid of speaking up. Moreover, you can make someone’s life just by listening to them.

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